7 Years Ago...
I knew I was insecure. I had a negative view of myself and couldn't believe that other people would value me. Then, one day, w/ the help of some friends I decided to choose to believe that I was loved, that I was awesome the way I was and that I was made perfectly. I wrote a song about it and sang it every time someone invited me to sing anywhere. That song, "This is Who I Am," was a memorial to the decision that I made to believe the truth about myself. I knew it was a process. I knew it would need to be a decision I made every day. But that day in 2007 was a turning point for me. [For the full story and to hear the song, check out this video.]
Fast Forward to 2013...
As you all know, I moved to New York after getting a promotion at work. I don't have any family here and I knew almost nobody outside of co-workers. The first year here was VERY hard. I had left my community - the people who knew me, who could remind me of who I was when I had a hard time remembering, the people who would miss me if I didn't show up somewhere, who would notice if I wasn't being myself.
Then, the voices started attacking. No, not schitzo voices. But, that nagger, the doubter that loves to say things like "You're not loveable." "You are alone because you should be alone." "You're not good enough." "You can't do anything right."
Unfortunately, even after "This is Who I Am" and everything else I had done to throw off those old insecurities, I learned the hard way that, if you let your guard down, they can come right back. I started to believe those lies again and let them into my heart.
Then, a few months ago, I was reminded of the importance of guarding your heart. Not just guarding our hearts from being given romantically to the wrong person. But, guard it from believing lies, guard it from anger, guard it from bitterness, guard it from unforgiveness, from depression. I had let my guard down. And when you allow negative thoughts and lies to linger, they can take hold and start looking like the truth and reeking havoc on your self esteem.
Today... Now that I know what's going on, I'm better at calling out the lies that try to worm their way into my heart and that has made being here and being alone so much easier. While it hasn't been fun to battle this again, I'm very grateful that I'm learning this....skill.
Instead of allowing the negative thoughts to sneak in and get comfortable, I surround myself w/ positive things. I put up affirming notes from friends all over my apartment. I keep an Affirmation Box full positive notes that I've been given over the years and read them when I need to. I watch comedies on TV. I listen to "The Fighter" by Gym Class Heroes (featuring Ryan Tedder) as often as I can stand it. The goal? Surround myself w/ positive and affirming thoughts so that I believe the truth, focus on being joyful, so that negativity and depression don't take root.
I'm grateful that I'm learning how to stand on my own, to fight against the lies, especially when there's no one else around to fight with me.
When I was deciding whether or not to move to NYC, a friend told me that you learn SO much about yourself when you leave your comfort zone and you grow in ways that you don't expect. She was right.
